Hole In The Heart RK

Written by: Carl Rice Jr

From Birth To Heaven

Written By: Carl Rice Jr

Darkness of my mother’s womb surrounds me.  There is a warm wetness around my body that confuses me.  A cord goes inside of me.  I hear voices but don’t understand the words.  I’m moving but I have nowhere to go.  How did I get here?  I don’t like the dark!  Is there a way out?  Please someone show me the way.  I’m lost without answers and scared it will never end.  Something inside of my chest pounds and I hear someone say, “How is the baby?”  What is a baby?  Why doesn’t the darkness go away?  I can’t stay here anymore.

Help me!  I hear sounds and the pressure on my head brings me horrible pain.  I hear someone say, “You are doing fine.”  What does this mean?  My shoulders follow my head out of my mother’s womb.  I hear loud screaming and the pain of entering the world begins to subside.  On July 16, 1984, I hear someone say, “Mom and Dad you have a baby boy.”  The darkness has gone away but I’m confused and afraid of this place called the world.

As I lay on my back I’m yelling and crying.  Someone cuts my cord, someone is wiping off the warm wetness that covers me and there is a light that comforts me.  Even though the darkness does not surround me anymore, I have no idea what is about to happen.

I find myself surrounded by a small boy, a lady and a man.  The small boy says, “I’m your brother, BJ.”  The lady says, “I’m Mommy.”  The man says, “I’m Dad.”  This is my family and they call me Ryan.

My first day of kindergarten, I insisted on dressing myself.  After school I rode the bus home.  When I got off the school bus Mom and Dad were waiting for me.  I ran inside my home and sat on the couch.  My legs were swinging back and forth as I told Mom and Dad about eating graham crackers and drinking milk.  Mom and Dad started laughing; I didn’t realize it but I had forgotten to put on underwear.

At twelve teachers said I could be a top student.  I played four sports and had friends I wanted to spend time with.  A special friend of mine was Kristen Moss.  She also had to juggle time between school, sports and friends.  Even though she didn’t have a brother, Kristen thought of me as a brother.  Even though I didn’t have a sister, I thought of Kristen as a sister.  Since our families spent time together, Kristen was someone I could turn to, who understood the pressures of feeling overwhelmed.

On Super Bowl Sunday, January 26, 1997, Dad answered the phone.  I watched Dad, as he kept saying noDad’s body slumped over; it was like someone had just put weights on his shoulders. Dad hung up the phone and went into the bedroom with my Mom. Both came out crying.  Mom said that Grandpa Jacobs was coming over and Dad said that Kristen died in a car accident.  Once again I was scared and felt alone in the dark.

At thirteen and fourteen, I played travel hockey.  My hockey coach told my Dad and I that colleges would recruit me in the future.  My football coach told my Dad, “Ryan is the toughest son-of-a-bitch I ever coached.”  At fifteen years old I had to give up hockey or football, because the schedules overlapped.  It was extremely difficult but I choose football, because it was a school sport.

At nineteen my calming influence and beautiful love was my girlfriend Leslie.  On November 30, 2003 around 2:00 in the morning, I was driving to pick up my friend Sean.  I had too much to drink, I was not wearing my seatbelt, the night was dark and damp, the road was wickedly curvy, and I was driving over the speed limit.  As my car was sliding across the road, I used all my strength to bring it under control.  At that point I was not in control and crashed violently into the only tree nearby.

As I lay in the cold dark dampness of the night I can’t move.  My body is crushed and paralyzed.  I see lights flashing, police officers, firefighters, and people screaming.  I cry out for help but no one answers me.  Then several people pick me up and put me in a bag.  Then a firefighter starts zipping the bag closed.  As the zipper passes my face I yell, stop!  I yell that I don’t want to be alone in the dark.

In the bag I’m yelling for Mom, Dad, BJ, and Leslie but still no answer.  I tried to get out but I could not move.  I screamed that I was in the bag; I was scared and wanted out.  You see, no one could answer me because I had died instantly when my car hit the tree.  At that exact moment I was no longer alone in the dark, Jesus was with me.

Mom’s crying pierced the hearts of everyone.  Mom screamed for me and reached out to hug me but my touch could not reach her.  My Dad cried violently and yelled at God.  BJ crumbled to the floor in tears.  Leslie could not move, her tears covered her lips as she whispered, “I want Ryan.”  Everyone cried uncontrollably and walked around as if a forest of trees surrounded them.